Super Amazing Awesome Blog Forever IX

My first room

2007-03-01T16:04:00.000-08:00

I finally have my first room. Solly's Tavern on U street. The venue truly couldn't be better for an open mic. I am psyched. It will be a monthly showcase, which I prefer. I would rather save up for one night of awesome each month, instead of having mediocre every week (hopefully that is how it will go). The first show will be on the 28th of March and will feature local favorites Larry Poon, Kojo Monte, Seaton Smith, Tyler Sonnichsen, Jason Weems, Jim Elliott, me and a few others yet to be determined.

OSU basketball looked like it was back on track the other night against K-State. Then Mario Boggan proved that some people are just THAT stupid when he headbutted Cartier Martin. Now he is suspended which will probably knock OSU out of tourney contention, they will struggle without him. Which makes March Sadness, not madness.

It has been a while

2007-02-22T14:25:00.000-08:00

My Oklahoma State bball team looked AWESOME before February. 15 wins, 1 loss, kicking ass. Now they look BLOSSOM. As in they look like Mayim Bialik. Not awesome. Last night they got pasted at home by 20. Not acceptable, and I am being a pissy little baby about it.

I performed at the DC Improv last week. I had a terrible set. I told jokes that were safe and that I knew very well and I have told them so much that I no longer even like them. Subsequently I looked like a guy on stage telling jokes that he doesn't even like, which nobody should be subjected to.

This video is awesome. Please view.

Don't call it a comeback

2006-11-21T17:56:00.000-08:00

I took off for about a month. No comedy for the last 4 weeks or so. Which was hard, but necessary. I have been busy with my home business and insanely busy where I work.

But I made my return this past weekend at the Laughing Lizard.
What do you think happened? If you said 'you rocked the shit out of shit' then you are right my friend.

Michael Richards is the biggest idiot on the planet right now. KKKramer. How can someone who has made it as far as he has, career-wise, just throw it all away in one of the dumbest ways possible? He is done in the entertainment industry. It reminds me of when Paul Reubens threw his career away. But I think this is worse for Michael Richards. At least Paul Reubens was able to get SOME work later on, I don't know if KKKramer will be able to. Good for Pee Wee that he only got caught jerkin it to porn. It could have been worse. He could have dropped the N bomb in front of Cowboy Curtis.

OSU football, Drafthouse, meeting Colin Powell, yada yada yada

2006-11-03T17:22:00.000-08:00

So my Cowboys choked a couple of weeks ago against aTm. It didn't help that our superstar QB Bobby Reid went out with a concussion to start the 2nd quarter. We lost on a blocked extra point in OT. Which was a huge kick in the nuts. After the game, I decided I was going to put it behind me, go do a set of comedy at the Laughing Lizard down the street and not let it ruin my weekend. I am there for probably half an hour, ready to go on stage and forget about my shitty football watching experience, and in walks a girl with an Oklahoma State t-shirt. I said to her, "get the fuck out. That game really sucked, huh"? Because clearly only a true OSU fan would be wearing an OSU t-shirt out to the bar in northern Virginia right after a game. But no, she got it as a gift from family in Oklahoma and she was just wearing it to wear it. Or you could say she was just wearing it because god likes to kick me in the nuts repeatedly.

Then the next weekend we kicked the shit out of Nebraska. Holler.

And tomorrow we will shock the world and beat Texas at Texas. That's right WE.

I was in the Drafthouse comedy competition last week. I didn't make it to the finals, but there was no shame in losing to my competition. Everyone was really good.

Yesterday I met Colin Powell. Shook his hand and everything. I directed him in a photoshoot. How insane is that? I didn't get photographic evidence like I had hoped, he just got off a plane from overseas and was clearly too tired to deal with me for very long. But it was cool nonetheless.

Redskins fans suck ass

2006-10-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

Just came from my first Redskins game. They got beat by the Titans 25-22. And the Redskins fans are the worst I have ever seen. I have never seen so much crybaby entitlement in my life. Every call that went against the Redskins, no matter how glaringly obvious, was considered a part of a master conspiracy plan and then was immediately booed. The refs were paid, they were blind— BOO. Which you hear at every sporting event. BUT NOT ON EVERY FUCKING PLAY. 90% of the stadium was in on this. Every play that didn't work— chorus of boos. It was the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen or heard. My extreme favoritism for college athletics was confirmed in the biggest way today. The most ironic thing— a college athletic event will be attended by a very high percentage of immature, rude, idiotic, ignorant 18-24 year-olds; and they will show more decorum than an NFL stadium full of adult professionals from the the most educated area of the U.S.

Rough rooms are... rough

2006-10-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

When you are about to go on stage and half the room leaves, that sucks. Maybe they have heard about me, or seen me, maybe it is coincidence, I don't know. But it sucks. Which was the case tonight. And you get on stage after seeing all of those people walk out the door, and you have to bring it. Which I didn't. Bring it that is. And I was dumb enough to try out new material. Which bombed. I guess the point I am trying to make is, to all of you people who left— I am putting this one on you. You suck for making me bomb, after all it is your fault. Technically.

Before I went on tonight, I ate a giant slice of pizza from the giant-slice-of-pizza place between 14th and 13th on U Street in DC. It is a slice of pizza that is roughly the size of newborn whale. It fits on two plates. It is ridiculous. And cheap. $4.50 for a slice. Which got me thinking. How the hell can you charge so little for so much food? What is their overhead? Maybe they have little or no overhead. Maybe the pepperoni isn't pepperoni. Maybe the pepperoni is soylent green or kittens. Which is a shrewd business move that I have to begrudgingly applaud, if it is the case.

Tatum Bell will lead the NFL in rushing this year. You heard it here first.

Top 10 college basketball teams of the last 25 years

2006-10-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

In my opinion, which is a very educated and good one. I am not even putting in my beloved 1995 & 2004 Oklahoma State teams (although they were badass).

10. Florida 2006— Very impressive run in the tournament. Dominant, and never really in doubt. Time might change their position. Time will hopefully also make that Noah kid look human.
9. UNC 2005— dominant team all season long. No weaknesses, no problem with the tourney. And they were able to keep Sean Maye away from Dunkin Donuts JUST enough. Well played Roy Williams.
8. UNLV 1991— as athletic of a team as there ever was. Fast, quick, good shooters, good everything. Too bad they thought they could just coast through the tourney, Duke exacted revenge for the previous year's beating in the final. Overconfident asses, but talented as hell.
7. Houston 1983— Yes, NC State's win was dramatic and incredible, but the best team in the land lost that day. Houston would have won that game 99 times out of a hundred.
6. UConn 2004— Very dominant, no answer for Okafur and Ben Gordon. But damn I wish I could have seen OSU play them in the final. You suck Will Bynum.
5. Duke 1992— again a dominant team, and one that I hated. Classic in the elite eight with UK. The best part was when Thomas Hill of Duke came out of the closet when Laettner hit the game winner. He was crying like Publisher's Clearinghouse just showed up at his house.
4. UNC 1982— Jordan and Worthy, very good team that beat a damn good Georgetown team in the finals.
3. UNLV 1990— I would switch this with the '91 team were it not that one won the title, one didn't. And it didn't hurt their position that they won the title game by 30 FREAKING POINTS.
2. Georgetown 1985— Patrick Ewing was dominant, stupid knee pads and all, and the best team in the land (debatable)for 3 years running finally won the title.
1. Kentucky 1996— Maybe the most dominant team on the list, certainly the best. Nine guys on that team played in the league. Nine.
* Derek Anderson
* Tony Delk
* Walter McCarty
* Ron Mercer
* Nazr Mohammed
* Mark Pope
* Jeff Sheppard
* Wayne Turner
* Antoine Walker

And on that note I do have to give my OSU 2004 team credit, as they have 5 guys from that team in the league right now. Which pales in comparison to the '96 UK squad but is impressive nonetheless.
* Tony Allen
* John Lucas III
* Joey Graham
* Stephen Graham
* Ivan Mcfarlin

Bowling is for fools... unless I am playing well

2006-10-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

Went bowling tonight, company party type thing. I sucked big time. I like bowling, but when I am sucking, I hate it. All I get out of it is the emberassment of getting a shitty score and a sore wrist. One of my coworkers, Shelden Bream (you may remember his older brother Sid scoring the winning run in the '92 NLCS for the Braves) was talking about how he sucked, etc. blah blah, then he proceeds to throw fifty strikes and scored about a 160. I got one strike in two games. Fucking horseapples.

I will be at the Laughing Lizard this weekend. Which is nice, because it is in my 'hood. It is literally 4 blocks away. There will be some big-time talent on hand, Ryan Conner, Kojo Mante, Tyler Sonnichsen (it is his show, and he is funny), Andy Kline, Brandon Ivey (who I saw eat an entire jar of mayonnaise on stage a couple of weeks ago), and a few people I have not seen but have heard great things about, Tyler Richardson, Rob Maher, and Bird Knight. Should be much fun, and all two of you who read my blog should go. Actually, it is just one person, I shouldn't count myself. Hey,you. You should go.

Dane Cook

2006-10-03T18:22:00.000-07:00

So I watched Dane Cook's new HBO special the other night, Vicious Circle. Don't get me wrong, I respect the hell out of the guy, but he is coasting right now. I didn't make it through the whole special. Every premise of every joke I saw was so weak and the delivery was so hacky. It was as if he thought he could just do whatever he wanted up there and he would get laughs and thunderous applause. Turns out he was right. But the audience at my house (i.e. me, my dog and my wife who was asleep) was not impressed. It was disappointing, but not surprising. I just hope David Cross never gets stadium audiences and a show about him and a couple of other comics on a college tour.

Get out your hallucinogens

2006-10-01T20:00:00.000-07:00

My friend Makk Sabbath sent this to me the other day. Normally I would never forward this, post this, etc. because I am just not a forwarding, posting videos that were sent to me kind of guy. But I will definitely make an exception for this. I have no idea what the context of it is, or where it came from, but it is gold.

Oh, the life of an OSU fan

2006-09-26T20:48:00.000-07:00

My Cowboys are killing me. This past weekend they choked the big one against Houston. Some of you are reading this and thinking, wait a second the Cowboys didn't play the Texans this weekend. That is because I am talking about Oklahoma State vs Houston University. Very frustrating stuff for me. I take OSU sports way too seriously. If you are still moping around 3 days after a college football game, unless you were directly involved in the contest (and probably not even then), then you are an idiot. Which is basically what I am.

They better get it together for Kansas State in a couple of weeks, or I might just cry. Real tears too.

On to the second round

2006-09-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

So I did the Arlington Cinema 'n' Drafthouse Comedy Challenge tonight. I rocked it. I gave it everything I had, I had a good group of friends in the audience (audience was probably about 120 people or so, my friends comprised about 20-30 of that), and I had a great set. They had the audience cheer for their favorite comic, and with the aid of my friends cheering, I won by a landslide. Now don't get me wrong, my friends being there helped, but I had a pretty good response from the whole crowd. My set was solid, and the whole place responded. Then the judges announced the winners. Seaton Smith and Jon Eick. They both had great sets and deserved it. I was crushed though, I gave it my all and it wasn't enough. But then Greg, the owner of the drafthouse came up to me and said (paraphrasing) 'You won the audience choice by a lot, you deserve to go on to the second round, so we are pushing you through'. If I had it in me, I would have shit myself right then. What a nice surprise. So I am on to the second round. I am giddy. And every comic tonight brought it. Killer sets by Danny Rouhier, Ryan Conner, Seaton, Jon, Adam Magazine, Herricane, and Chris Doucette. Everybody brought their A game and it was a great show. And Jessica Paquin was an awesome emcee, she is just one of those people that you have to like. It was a good night, with a twist. That pretty much sums it up.

Arlington Cinema Drafthouse Comedy Challenge

2006-09-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

I am in. I tried out a couple of weeks ago, and found out yesterday that I made the cut. It is a competition of 35 comics whittled down to a single winner who gets a spot in the DC Comedy Fest and a gig in Atlantic City. Very exciting, as my friend Shawn Westfall said, 'it is like the Oscars, just being nominated is cool'. Now that I am in though, I want to make the second round badly. Hopefully I have enough jokes up my sleeve to do something. My show is next wednesday Sept. 20th at 7:45. I just farted.

Heckled by morons

2006-09-11T18:56:00.000-07:00

So I do this open mic every week at the Old Town Theater. It is primarily a music showcase, but it is the first place I ever got on stage, they love me there, so even though it is hard as hell to get a laugh I still do it. Every now and then I will get a crowd that is really receptive and I will get laughs. But not last wednesday. Crickets. Big time. And it probably didn't help that I was doing all new material, all of it, nothing old. But before I even get on stage, I am outside looking over my jokes thinking about which ones I want to do. Some guys comes out and starts talking to me, asks me what I am singing, I tell him I'm not, I am doing comedy. He then tells me 'Oh yeah, I used to write jokes for comedians.' And I am thinking, a. that isn't true, b. if it is true then you wrote jokes for no-talent assclowns who can't come up with their own jokes. Which is pathetic for both parties. Then he proceeds to tell me a couple of the premises for his jokes, and they are horrible. Not even remotely funny. Then I go on and I bomb hugely. Worst set in my short time of doing comedy. And to top it off, some idiot in the crowd thinks he should make it interactive and he starts yelling shit as I am doing my jokes. And then he starts mock laughing at the jokes as they get no other reaction. So I cut it short and get off the stage. I find Heckley Heckleton in the crowd, and I tell him "This is an open mic for music-whatever- but if you go to a comedy show don't do that shit. Don't ever do that again" or something to that effect, I don't know if it was verbatim, whatever. So the idiot says to me, 'I thought you would feed off of me doing that, I thought I was helping, I know that I feed off of that kind of stuff when I am telling jokes'. So I'm like, 'Oh, so you do comedy?'. The idiot replies to me, 'Well, no not for a living, I mean, c'mon', like I just proposed the most ludicrous, beneath-him option. And that is the only way to do standup, if you are paid. What a stupid shit. Turns out that he came there with the guy who I ran into earlier, Mr. Larry David joke writer extraordinaire. So I walk outside and these two are out there, and I stood there and listened to the two of them talk non-stop for about 20 minutes. I figured out pretty quickly that I wouldn't get a word in edge-wise, so I decided to just sit back and enjoy the show. These morons are trying to give me tips on how to improve my comedy and basically telling me how stand up works, even though I briefly told them both early on that everything I did up there was new material, and that they are really misguided in their assumptions. Not to mention that I was trying to do comedy at a music open mic. These guys who have never done standup before somehow know so much more about it than me. And it's like they are trying out for me. They are trying to tell me all of these jokes they have, and it is just the worst shit I have ever heard. They couldn't be more clueless. And I am just standing there the whole time, not saying anything, just listening. Finally I think Heckleboy figures out that I am just humoring them and they are in essence just performing a 50 car pileup in front of me, and all I am getting out of their antics is morbid fascination. I can't look away. So he says, 'I bet you get this all the time'. I told him, yes I do. When in fact, people usually only take up 30 seconds of my time telling me their stupid joke that I should use. I hope I don't ever see them again/I hope I see them this wednesday.